Cullen IMing
by XxScissorLuvxX
Summary: A funny fanfic about the Cullens on IM. Hope you like it!
1. Chapter 1:

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own twilight or anything else professional mentioned in this fanfic.**

**Title: Cullen IMing**

**Screen Names:**

**Alice: Jasperluver**

**Jasper: #1Empath**

**Rosalie: BeautifulBlonde**

**Emmett: ExtremeAwesomness**

**Bella: Vampgirl**

**Edward: MindReader**

**Carlisle: **

**Esme: Eezma**

_Jasperluver has logged on_

_#1Empath has logged on_

_BeautifulBlonde has logged on_

Jasperluver: Hey Jazzie!

#1Empath: Hey Aly!

Jasperluver: awww ur so sweet! wanna go shopping?

#1Empath: Sure!

_jasperluver has logged off_

_#1Empath has logged off_

BeautifulBlonde: well that was akward...

_BeautifulBlonde has logged off_


	2. Chapter 2: Eezma?

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own anything twilight.**

**A/N: this is chapter two of my story Cullen IMing. Reviews are welcome! :)**

**Screen Names:**

**Alice: Jasperluver**

**Jasper: #1Empath**

**Rosalie: BeautifulBlonde**

**Emmett: ExtremeAwesomness**

**Bella: Vampgirl**

**Edward: MindReader**

**Carlisle: **

**Esme: Eezma**

_ExtremeAwesomness has logged on_

_Vampgirl has logged on_

_MindReader has logged on_

MindReader: hello Bella

Vampgirl: heyy!

ExtremeAwesomness: hey

MindReader: This is boring

Vampgirl: yes it is.

_Eezma has logged on_

_has logged on_

MindReader: Hey mom

ExtremeAwesomness: Hey dad

: hello children

Vampgirl: um Esme, what is with your screene name?

: Well... she thinks that she's an evil villan trying to take over the world...cough...

Eezma: I am!

: yes Esme dear

Eezma: MY NAME IS EEZMA!

: (sighs) yes dear. i'm gonna go get her some help..

_has logged off_

Eezma: what do you think your doing you can't do this to me! I will destroy you! I will-

_Eezma has logged off_

MindReader: o...k...

ExtremeAwesomeness: Uh, that was weird.

Vampgirl: yeah.


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: I own nothing profesional mentioned in this story.**

**Screen Names:**

**Alice: Jasperluver**

**Jasper: #1Empath**

**Rosalie: BeautifulBlonde**

**Emmett: ExtremeAwesomness**

**Bella: Vampgirl**

**Edward: MindReader**

**Carlisle: **

**Esme: Eezma**

_Jasperluver has logged on_

Jasperluver: has anyone seen Jazz?

MindReader/ExtremeAwesomness/Vampgirl: nope

Jasperluver: well then if u see him tell him that i'm looking for him.

MindReader: ok

_Jasperluver has logged off_

_#1Empath has logged on_

#1Empath: has anyone seen Alice?

Vampgirl: who's Alice?

#1Empath: uh... my wife... your sister...

Vampgirl: ohhh. that Alice. last I heard of her she fell down a rabbit hole and now she's in Wonderland.

#1Empath: ok thanks.

_#1Empath has logged off_

_#1Empath has logged on_

#1Empath: wait a minute, which rabbit hole?

Vampgirl: - slaps face- The only one that leads to Wonderland duhh.

#1Empath: Okie Dokie

_#1Empath has logged off_


	4. Chapter 4: Yummy Bunnies

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own twilight or anything else professional mentioned in this fanfic. **

**A/N: Here's another chapter. longer this time:) hope you enjoy it. by the way Reviews make me happy! *hint hint* anyway, on with the chapter!**

**Screen Names:**

**Alice: Jasperluver**

**Jasper: #1Empath**

**Rosalie: BeautifulBlonde**

**Emmett: ExtremeAwesomness**

**Bella: Vampgirl**

**Edward: MindReader**

**Carlisle: **

**Esme: Eezma**

_BeautifulBlonde has logged on_

_ExtremeAwesomness has logged on_

_Vampgirl has logged on_

_MindReader has logged on_

BeautifulBlonde: Hey ppl

Vampgirl: hey Rose.

ExtremeAwesomness: HI...

MindReader: Does anyone know why we did that to Jasper? because he's like in a state of terror right now looking in holes in the forest for Alice.

BeautifulBlonde: What?

Vampgirl: I told him that Alice fell down a rabbit hole and he believed me.

BeautifulBlonde: ohh... so that's why there are so many mad rabbits out there.

ExtremeAwesomness: WHAT? Cute bunnies all angry? Oh no I better go cheer them up!

_ExtremeAwesomeness has logged off_

BeautifulBlonde: my husband is such a nut.

Vampgirl: uh.. guys I think Jasper found Alice.

MindReader: what makes you say that?

Vampgirl: look out your window.

MindReader: ok *gets up and looks out window* Oh great

BeautifulBlonde: What is it?

MindReader: Alice and Jasper are trying to suck Emmett's _pets'_ blood, and Emmett's not liking that very much.

BeautifulBlonde: ugh I'll go get Emmett.

_BeautifulBlonde has logged off_

Vampgirl: wow.

MindReader: I know.

Vampgirl: are they like this all the time?

MindReader: Alice, no. Em and Jazz, yeah

Vampgirl: well I wonder what's gotten into Alice.

MindReader: to be honest, rabbit blood.

Vampgirl: um... okay

_Jasperluver has logged on_

_#1Empath has logged on_

_ExtremeAwesomness has logged on_

Jasperluver: mmm delicious!

#1Empath: I second that

ExtremeAwesomeness: Both of you should be ashamed of yourselves! sucking those poor bunnies' blood.

Jasperluver: I had fun doing it too.

#1Empath: Emmett, you suck blood too, you Hypocrite.

Vampgirl: you guys are crazy.

MindReader: yes they are. trust me I know I read their minds.

ExtremeAwesomness: Yeah I know-

MindReader: That included you Emmett.

Jasperluver: not exactly the brightest of all vampires is he?

#1Empath: nope

_BeautifulBlonde has logged on_

BeautifulBlonde: as soon as I got out there they were gone. does anyone know where they went?

ExtremeAwesomness: I have no idea.

BeautifulBlonde: *angrily*Emmett!

ExtremeAwesomness: what did I do?

BeautifulBlonde: ugh It's useless talking to you.

_BeautifulBlonde has logged off_

ExtremeAwesomness: was it something I said?

MindReader: your hopeless

#1Empath: completley hopeless

Vampgirl: and the worst part is that he's my future brother.

Jasperluver: which reminds me, I have tons to do for your wedding! Where's Esme?

MindReader: well...

**A/N: sooo, what did you think? please give me feedback i luuuuuv it. did I mention reviews made me happy? well i case i didn't they do. very happy. :) Oh I almost forgot. find out where Esme is in chapter 5. **


	5. Chapter 5 The End of Eezma's Evilness!

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own twilight or anything else professional mentioned in this fanfic. **

**A/N: here's another chapter. I hope u like it. :) I know you all like them longer now so I'm trying! oh and if anyone has any ideas then could you please share? thanks to all of you.**

**chapter 5: The end Of Eezma's evilness**

**Screen Names:**

**Alice: Jasperluver**

**Jasper: #1Empath**

**Rosalie: BeautifulBlonde**

**Emmett: ExtremeAwesomness**

**Bella: Vampgirl**

**Edward: MindReader**

**Carlisle: **

**Esme: Eezma**

MindReader: Uh, let's see where do I start? We were all on chat and then Carlisle and Esme logged on. Bella asked her what was with her screen name because it was "Eezma" and Carlisle said that she thought she was an evil villian trying to take over the world. And then Carlisle said he was going to get her some help and they both logged off. That's about it.

Jasperluver: Um okay well then I guess I'll have to plan the wedding on my own.

_ has logged on_

: I swear that woman needs help.

#1Empath: isn't that where she is right now? I mean at a therapist or something?

: Well... that's where she should be but I can't get her out of our room. she locked herself in.

Jasperluver: well why don't we bust in? Emmett do you still have that lock pick?

ExtremeAwesomness: I'm not helping you. In case you didn't know I'm still mad at you for killing my bunnies.

#1Empath: oh come on Em. we promise we won't do it again. In fact, we'll buy you a new bunny.

ExtremeAwesomness: promise?

Jasperluver/#1Empath: promise.

ExtremeAwesomness: ok.

Jasperluver: so will you help us?

ExtremeAwesomness: sure.

MindReader: ok then let's get back to business. Emmett can you go get Rosalie so she can help?

ExtremeAwesomness: sure.

Jasperluver: that's not nessasary. here she is.

_BeautifulBlonde has logged on_

BeautifulBlonde: can anyone tell me why Esm- I mean _Eezma_ is running around the house in her underwear?

Everyone:_WHAT?_

BeautifulBlonde: you heard me.

MindReader: looks like we won't be needing Emmett's lock pick anymore.

Carlisle: I'll go get her

Jasperluver: Again you don't need too.

(Esme runs into Emmett's Bedroom)

ExtremeAwesomness: AHHHHHH MY EYES!

MindReader: there are some things a son should never have to see. and that's deffinately on the top of the list.

ExtremeAwesomness: *shudders* yes deffinately I'm going to go brainwash myself. *brainwashes self*

Jasperluver: *screams like she's under Jane's torture* Someone get her to a psyciatrist!

: I'll go get her.

_ has logged off_

ExtremeAwesomness: what's all this rucuss about?

Jasperluver: what? Emmett, you know what all this is about.

ExtremeAwesomness: what? who are you? where am I? who am I?

#1Empath: oh no he really did brainwash himself!

MindReader: this calls for an expert. *gets out phone and dials a professional's number* (speaking into phone) yes... My idiot brother has brainwashed himself and we need some help for him... yes, yes I see... put it where?... and then make him swallow it?... and then he'll be back to normal?... ok thank you.

MindReader: Rosalie, can you take care of your husband?

BeautifulBlonde: uh... sure i guess.

MindReader: here I'll email you the instructions.

BeautifulBlonde: got it thanks.

_BeautifulBlonde has logged off._

_...two seconds later..._

ExtremeAwesomness: who are and what are you doing with that needle? get away from me!

_EstremeAwesomness has logged off._

Vampgirl: now back to Esme. should I come to your house and help?

MindReader: sure. I'll come pick you up.

_later..._

_BeautifulBlonde has logged on_

_ExtremeAwesomness has logged on_

ExtremeAwesomness: ahh much better, I'm remembering things more clearly now.

BeautifulBlonde: wow that was an odd experience.

_ has logged on_

: OHHHHHHHH NOOOOOOO!

Mind Reader: what?

:you don't want to know.

MindReader: I'll take ur word 4 it.

: okay.

_Eezma has logged on_

: um hello dear.

Eezma: hello

Dr. Cullen: are you gonna be a good girl and turn back into Esme?

Eezma: NOOOO! HOW DARE YOU SPEAKETH THOSE WORDS! I SHALL DESTROY YOU AT ONCE!

: Esm-Eezma, deary what did the nice woman at the hospital tell you about screaming?

Eezma: HOW DARE YOU TELL ME WHAT TO DO! I SHALL DESTROY YOU TWICE! ^ ^

: oh no. there she goes again. :( bye children I shall return, maybe.

_ has logged off_

_Eezma has (against her will) logged off_

MindReader: maybe I should call a professional again. only this time for a different reason. *dials professional number* (speaking into phone) Hello, my mother has got some psycological problems. You see she thinks that she is an evil villian named Eezma who's trying to take over the world... yes... yes exactly like that... Esme Cullen...ys... oh you have?... thank you... are you sure?... yes sure no problem... ok. thank you for all your time... yes I will...

Jasperluver: ooh this is going to be interesting.

MindReader: I know did you see the look on his face?

Jasperluver: I know, right? but then..

MindReader:yeah I thought about that. see? look.

Jasperluver: oh yes I see.

Everyone(besides aAlice and Edward): Hello! some of us still speak here.

Jasperluver: oh right I forgot. you'll just have to wait and see.

#1Empath: oh come on Aly. please tell us? :) *inflicting persuasive emotions toward Alice & Edward*

Jasperluver: ohhh all right. Edward called a therapist...

MindReader:And she said that she'll be over tomorrow...

Jasperluver: And that's gonna be a really good and entertaining thing to watch...

MindReader: And we can all see this from the perfect spot...

Jasperluver: and I just had another vision...

MindReader: and in that vision she saw Eezma turn back into Esme...Although she did say "like I said" before saying I'm giving up my evil ways which was wierd but anyway...

Jasperluver: Tomorrow is the day that we all get our mother back! isn't it great?

Vampgirl: yep!

_the next day:_

_(Taking a break from the chat room)_

Alice' POV

I got up from the chair I was sitting at and walked over to the window of mine and Jasper's massive bedroom where we could see the long driveway from had all planned to watch from the hallway by the stairs. A perfect spot for us to hide and watch where they can't see us. "She's here!" I screamed. Jasper wrapped his arms around me from behind, kissing the top of my head. "well then let's go to the hallway," he said in that gentelmanly southern voice of his. "Mmkay" I said. We walked out into the hallway hand in hand where the rest were waiting already. obviously having heard my scream. We all crouched down into comfortable positions where we could not be spotted. The psyciatrist, , rang the door bell. "Coming," said Carlisle. Esme was looking rather upset and reluctant like in my vision, but she was still there-reluctance and all. Carlisle answered the door with a smile and they discussed Esme's problem. "mmmhhhhmmmm, I see," The woman seemed deeply interested in what she was hearing. "Well I believe that your problem is that you have been watching way too much television latley. I would reccomend that you cut way back on the cigars also. okay?" Esme nodded. What? Esme smoking cigars? and is that even possible for a vampire to be affected by them? "Now I know what your thinking. 'Is it even possible for vampires to be affected by cigars?' and the answer is yes accually they can." stated matter-of-factly. Oh, I guess they can. Wait a minute did she just mention vampires? "Vampires? excuse me did you just say vampires?" Carlisle was going into hysterics. "Because we are most deffinately not vampires" Esme finished for him, equally frazzled. "Oh, don't get all frantic with me. I know your vampires. In fact I am one myself." Well then that explains why I couldn't hear her heart beat really good.

"Oh wow" Rosalie was suddenly wearing the most shocked expresion I'd ever seen. In fact all of my siblings and husband were. We still didn't take our attention away from the living room. "And all of you "-she guestered to us in what we thought was the hidden hallway- "You can come out now" We all tentatively came out of our hiding spots. once we were all in the room, she reached up to her neck and pulled at the skin and took the mask off. "Hello children!" Aro greeted us. _Edward you called Aro? _I thought at him_._I looked in his direction and he shook his head as if to say "no." _Well I didn't see this coming._ this time thiking to myself. Although Edward chuckled asif it was directed to him. "I'm giving up my evil ways." Esme said in a sudden friendly and mother-like voice. "Well my work is done here." Aro said turning to leave. we all walked over to the glass door to see him high-five jacob -well that explains why I didn't see Aro in my vision- and then hop in his private jet and fly off to Italy waving as he did so. We all just looked at each other, dumbstruck. Then everyone but carlisle and Esme went back updtairs. a few seconds after we got to the hallway where we had planned to watch in in the first place, A kind and understanding looking woman walked up our drive-way. "Wait" I cautioned. They all stopped and watched. This was exactly what had happened in my vision. Carlisle and Esme played along, not letting the real know about what had just happened with Aro. After awhile, Esme's expression grew softer and she said, "like I said, I'm giving up my evil ways." We all looked at each other. "Well then, I guess my work here is done." said . "If you need me just call." she handed Carlisle a business card and shook his hand. With that, she turned and walked out the door.

**A/N: so what didja think? I think it was a success and I enjoyed writing it. PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE R&R! I'll give Eezma shaped cookies to whoever does!**


	6. Chapter 6: Musical Number!

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own twilight or any of the songs mentioned in this fanfic. (unless I add a song that I made which I'll add an author's note saying if I did.)**

**A/N: I have some suggestions and I promise that I'll use them in the next chapter but I just got a hit of insparation to do this so... yeah. by the way If you like this and you want me to make some more, then tell me and tell me some songs that you want me to use. :)**

**chapter 6: Musical Number**

**Screen Names:**

**Alice: Jasperluver**

**Jasper: #1Empath**

**Rosalie: BeautifulBlonde**

**Emmett: ExtremeAwesomness**

**Bella: Vampgirl**

**Edward: MindReader**

**Carlisle: **

**Esme: (has changed her username to) VampireMother**

_Jasperluver has logged on_

_#1Empath has logged on_

_BeautifulBlonde has logged on_

_ExtremeAwesomness has logged on_

_Vampgirl has logged on_

_MindReader has logged on_

ExremeAwesomness: wow we just logged on as pairs.

MindReader: what?

ExtremeAwesomness: here's how we logged on: Alice, Jasper, Rosalie, me, Bella and you.

MindReader: Uh okay.

Jasperluver: and you just felt like pionting that out?

ExtremeAwesomness: yes.

Jasperluver: Okay... whatever.

BeautifulBlonde: sure.

ExtremeAwesomness: You're hot then you're cold, you're yes then you're no

#1Empath: you're in then you're out you're up then you're down

Vampgirl: what are they doing?

Jasperluver: singing.

Vampgirl: OK.

#1Empath: wanna try?

Vampgirl: sure. Today was a fairytale you were the prince I used to be a damsel in destress.

BeautifulBlonde: You took me by the hand and you picked me up at six, today was a fairytale.

MindReader: Why does it always rain on me?

Jasperluver: don't you wish ur girlfriend was hot like me? Don't you wish your girlfriend was a freak like me?

Vampgirl: lol Alice you are a freak!

Jasperluver: :((

Vampgirl: just kidding!

Jasperluver: o...sniff...k

#1Empath: oh my god Emmett what are you doing?

ExtremeAwesomness: what does it look like?

#1Empath: It looks like your eating chocolate cake!

ExtremeAwesomness: well it's good.

Jasperluver: ok that's really gross.

ExtremeAwesomness: no it's not!

Jasperluver: ok Emmett.

BeautifulBlonde: I'm a Barbie girl in a Barbie world

Jasperluver: life in plastic it's fantastic!

#1Empath: you spin me right round baby right round like a record baby right round, round, round.

Jasperluver: baby, baby, baby, ohhhhhh. like baby, baby, baby, noooooo!

ExtremeAwesomness: Far out! I like love JB!

BeautifulBlonde: we don't say that anymore hon.

ExtremeAwesomness: really? well then I'm bringing it back!

BeautifulBlonde: okay babe.

MindReader: who said I can't wear my converse with my dress oh baby... that's just me.

ExtremeAwesomness: Edward, you wear dresses?

#1Empath: I knew he was gay.

MindReader: I am not! I was singing that for Bella! because she does.

Vampgirl: aww thanks!

Jasperluver: whatever.

BeautifulBlonde: He's a good time cowboy cassanova leaning up against the record of shame...

ExtremeAwesomness: You had my heart now I want it back. I'm starting to see everything you lack.

Jasperluver: Can't read my, can't read my, can't read my poker face.

#1Empath: I can.

MindReader: so can I.

Jasperluver: whatEVER!

#1Empath: uh oh we're making her mad. Alice calm down.

Jasperluver: okay. Thanks.

#1Empath: your welcome.

_ has logged on_

_VampireMother has logged on._

: hello kids what are you doing?

Jasperluver: singing! well typing songs.

: okay.

VampireMother: can we try?

Jasperluver: sure.

VampireMother: ok. I got a pocket got a pocketful of sunshine, I got a love that I know is all mine.

#1Empath: cool.

ExtremeAwesomness: swell.

: Dr. Dr. give me the news I got a bad case of loving you.

#1Empath: equally cool.

ExtremeAwesomness: equally swell.

#1Empath:You make me smile like the sun, Fall out of bed, Sing like a bird, Dizzy in my head, Spin like a record, Crazy on a Sunday night.  
Jasperluver: You make me dance like a fool, Forget how to breathe, Shine like gold, Buzz like a bee, Just the thought of you can drive me wild, Ohh you make me smile.

BeautifulBlonde:You should've said no, you should've gone home  
You should've thought twice before you let it all go  
You should've know that word, bout what you did with her'd get back to me...

MindReader:Don't stop, make it pop DJ, blow my speakers up Tonight, imma fight Till we see the sunlight

Vampgirl: Tick tock, on the clock But the party don't stop, no Woah-oh oh oh Woah-oh oh oh

ExtremeAwesomness: Sup, I'm a big mouse and I like cheese, oh baby you can't see, what the mouse is made of... (A/N: I did make this one up. well my brother did. and this is a rap.)

#1Empath: Well I'm the cat getting ready to eat the mouse up well cats like me eat mice for breakfast! (A/N: lil bro made this one too. btw this one's not a rap.)

ExtreemeAwesomness: How rude!

#1Empath: not rude. funny. you know what rhymes with funny? bunny.

ExtremeAwesomness: SHUTUPJASPER! (A/N: remember "yummy bunnies"? lol)

#1Empath: no.

*Jasper feels Emmett's anger waves*

#1Empath: ok, ok, ok, I shut up.

ExtremeAwesomness: Another song! Jasper is really mean and I want to rip out his spleen (A/N: made this up. to be sang in the tune of "I love you, you love me..." the Barney song.)

#1Empath: *gasp* how dare you?

ExtremeAwesomness: well you brought out the worst of me!

/VampireMother: Boys! behave!

ExtremeAwesomness/#1Empath: sorry.

Jasperluver: I like glitter and sparkly dresses but I'm not gonna mention that in my monolouge! (A/N: Taylor Swift SNL monolouge)

BeautifulBlonde: Your on the phone with your girlfriend and she's upset, she's going off about something that you said cause she doesn't get your humor like I do

ExtremeAwesomness: hey guess what. I'm gonna make a parody of that song! vampire style!- your on the phone with a vampire and she's upset, she's going off about a human that you met cause she dosen't have type a like she likes...(A/N: made this up)

Vampgirl: hey guess what Jacob told me a song similar to that one! It's a parody of you belong with me, too! here are the lyrics: (A/N: these lyrics don't belong to me. sorry if there not all correct)

_You're in the woods with your vampire Edward Cullen  
He's always whining and complaining, he's so sullen  
He doesn't get you're human like I do_

I'm at the gym, it's a typical Tuesday night  
Lifting the kind of weights he doesn't like  
And he'll never know your family like I do

But he sparkles, and I'm so hairy  
He's so sexy and I'm so scary  
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find  
that you hate vampires and love canines

If you could see that I'm the wolf who understands you  
Been here all along so why can't you see?  
You belong with me  
You belong with me

Hangin' out in Forks, while he's in Italy  
I can't help thinking this is how it ought to be  
Howling at the moon thinkin' to myself  
Hey, isn't Ed sleazy?

And you've got a beauty that could light up this whole town  
Haven't seen it since he brought those biters around  
You say you're fine, I know you better than that  
Hey, Whatcha doing with a sucker so wack?

He's so pale, I'm so tan  
He's kinda sissy (A/N: It said another word but it was a cuss word so I edited.) and I'm all man  
Dreaming bout the day when you'll wake up and find  
that you hate vampires and love canines

If you could see that I'm the wolf who understands you  
I'm down on all fours, so why can't you see?  
You belong with me

MindReader: that mutt! I'm Appauled! By the way bella how did you type so fast?

Vampgirl: Don't be mad Eddie! And I had the lyrics saved on my latop so I didn't type them right then.

MindReader: Oh all right.

Jasperluver: wow.

ExtremeAwesomness: Hey everybody! I have a brilliant song! I love you, you love me, Were a happy family.

#1Empath: with a great big hug and a kiss from me to you,

Jasperluver: Won't you say you love me too?

everyone except Alice: I love you!

A/N: So what did you think? I know that it took forever but I have all my stuff saved on one computer and my little brother likes to hog it so I didn't have time to work on it much. I appologize. yummy bunny cookies to all who review! luv u all like brothers and sisters! 


End file.
